Nick Review

Nick,

Your title is interesting, but the subject from your e-mail when you sent it to me was better. “Someday you will die in your dreams” seems to capture more of the story and leave you wondering. Not that butterfly with broken wings doesn’t capture the story, the other title just leaves more for intrigue.
Your lede needs a little vamping as well (as does mine, don’t worry). Try to draw your audience in farther. Create a little more tension possibly using some of the tension that already exists between Dasia and her lover. The topic of the opening paragraph is great; just stretch it a little more to draw the reader into the story.
The plot line of your story is wonderful; it moves at exactly the right pace to keep your reader interested without getting bored. Try adding more details expecially in the beginning to draw out your characters and make them more 3-D. Right now they stay bound within their story and don’t develop and grow like real people would. You have a passion and desire for each of them; now expand on it and on how they are getting from one place to another.
This might be obtained from expanding your omniscient narrator right now it sounds as if he’s sort of viewing the scenes on a screen. Which leaves us listening to the narration of a film rather than current events. Draw upon more emotion and details, especially in the scene with Dasia’s murder.
Your setting starts out well in the beginning, the crypt is defined in every detail. Try to keep that level of description as you move throughout the story. You might find you’ll end up with too much detail but it’s easier to trim down unnecessary parts than it is to have to add a bunch of adjectives later on.
Metaphors are also a good way to add detail without cluttering your story. They help your reader to identify with what you’re attempting to describe and provide more concrete images than simple descriptions. They’ll help you to expand both the setting and the characters.
The passage of time in your story flows well. You lead from start to finish without skipping major time plots and you do a nice job of representing flashbacks without losing your reader. Try to draw out the details without losing this flow.
I like the ending of your story; it comes to a definite conclusion, which is nice. But in order to get rid of the almost fairytale ending where everything works out (since it doesn’t follow the tone of the rest of the story) you might try having them figure out their conflict in a different way. They need to realize why Dasia is alive again without just BAM realizing it and saying it. Perhaps developing his new fiancée’s character will help because she can provide that link that you need.
You did a good job getting away from the obvious folk tale feel. But try to retain the sense that this story has a purpose and it was written for a reason. Or as professor Billman puts it, try to pass the “who the hell cares” test.
Good job on keeping your audience entertained. I read start to finish not because I had to for this assignment but because I was honestly curious as to what the conclusion of the story would be.
Great story overall!

~Suzy