Stacie Review

Stacie,

Your title is extremely interesting. Especially since the lede is so opposite to what you expect based on the title. Your lede is also well done; it pulls the reader into the story and sets up tension for the rest of the plot.
Starting out at the end is perfect because even though we know what’s coming, we don’t know how and it’s the guessing that draws your reader along into the story.
The stark contrast of the descriptions in the first paragraph provide and interesting set-up for the context of the narrator and her lover.
The characters are well developed. They are round and full of description despite their lack of names until the very end. You did a good enough job describing them that it wasn’t until my second read through that I realized the narrator didn’t have a name until the very last scene.
Keep it first-person as well, it’s part of what hold the story together so well. Because you become engrossed in the events, you don’t even realize that you’re being drawn in. You feel as though the actions taking place are happening to you personally.
The setting could be expanded further to give a better perspective on the action. Try to develop the setting as you would a character. Right now who is clear but when and where are a little blurry. It’s a good contrast with your characters so don’t over describe where the events are taking place. But try to give us a better feel of where we are so that the action becomes even more believable.
Your dialogue is also a bit sparse. Your characters are full, but adding more of a voice will help to further define them for your reader.
Keep the voice and the language that you created in the original draft. They work well with the story. Especially the descriptions you use on the important scenes. Your adjectives and metaphors are vivid and based upon things that most of your audience would have had experience with; which helps to create a more realistic feel to the action.
The pace you have in your story is also wonderful. It’s slow enough to create tension and allow for the reader to experience the flow of the story (rising action, climax, conclusion) but fast enough so that we don’t feel like the action drags on.
Keep the tone as well. The story goes against most of our expectations in reading, which is why we keep reading. The tone is part of that. It stays so light that sometimes you have to go back and re-read a part that you didn’t expect to happen because the narrator just nonchalantly brings it up and it is there and gone without a big to-do about it.

Great job for a first draft this story should be outstanding by the time you finish your final draft.

~Suzy